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Dealing with Emotions When Leading a Meeting
As the leader of a meeting, organization, committee or project
team one of your challenges, especially when dealing with a
heated issue, is to be able to channel the emotions that may arise
into a productive entity for the group. When an emotion is
expressed you must help the person who is expressing the
emotion identify the emotion and its source. Then facilitate a
discussion that leads them to express the emotion in a way that
contributes to – rather than detracts from – group goals and
effectiveness.
Now this does not mean that you become the group therapist. On
the contrary. The purpose of addressing emotions appropriately is
to help the group become more effective at working together. Not
to alter people’s personality traits. Remember this is all about
group effectiveness – not conscience or winning and losing.
Why do we get overly emotional?
Emotions are an important part of data collection on a project.
They help people inform each other. When your emotions and
thoughts work together you respond more effectively. Emotions
often erupt around feelings of fear, threat, guilt, shame, and anger.
Situations may drive higher emotions such as a difficult subject
being discussed, unrealistic expectations, the triggering of past
emotional experience, or the diverse culture of a group.
There is a physiological reason why sometimes people act out
without thinking – react instead of respond. The brain has two
mechanisms in dealing with emotions – the neocortex and the
amygdala. The neocortex helps you to reason what your eyes,
ears and other senses take in. The amygdala determines
whether or not the situation is potentially threatening. The
response is quick, exact and sloppy often referred to by the clichés
of “flying off the handle” or “engaging mouth before engaging
brain.”
Two Ways People Express Emotions
People express their emotions in two ways: directly and indirectly.
Directly: An expression of direct emotions might be, “I am angry
with you.” or “You promised one thing and then went back on your
word.”
Indirectly: People express indirect emotions in two ways: verbally
and nonverbally. An example of indirect verbal expression might
be yelling, changing tone of voice, repeating a point, verbal attacks,
changing of position when accused. An example of nonverbal
indirect expression might be dirty looks, crossed arms, negative
body language or sighing. One person’s outburst may infer
frustration while another’s may infer fear. Therefore you cannot
interpret a person’s emotions from their behavior.
When emotions are intense, it is very difficult for the group to
comprehend the root of the problem. It is the leader’s job to
facilitate a discussion that will eliminate any defensive or offensive
posturing.
How to Lead an Emotional Group to Effectiveness
First – Manage Yourself:
1. Slow yourself down. Do not intervene right away until you are
able to respond in a responsible way without emotion. Breath
slowly. Take a deep breathe and release it slowly.
2. Be curious and compassionate to your own emotions.
Recognize that you are a learner here as well. Identify how you are
feeling. You may feel afraid, nervous, scrutinized, stressed. Boot
out the judgmental voice. No judgment allowed. Name your
emotions. Ask yourself what you are angry about, or fear?
3. Ask yourself what is triggering the emotion. Ask yourself if an
emotion you are feeling has surfaced in other situations. Ask
yourself if your own behavior is appropriate for the current
situation. If you have overreacted, apologize and let the group
know that your own emotions have clouded your judgment.
4. Remind yourself of your skills. You read and study better ways
to facilitate groups with ground rules and facilitation skills. You are
prepared to handle whatever arises. Remember that.
Second – Intervene
1. Don’t shy away from the conflict. When you sense conflict in a
group it may be the gift that will bring the group together. It is a
golden moment when the stakes are high and everyone is
engaged.
2. Name the emotions and their source as they evolve.
Someone in your group may say, “The finance department just
cuts budgets without caring about what we have to deal with on the
front line.” to which you might say, “Nancy, you are pointing your
finger and sound angry. Is that right?” If she agrees you might
say,” “It’s important for the group to understand what you are angry
about. Do you feel comfortable sharing what happened that led
you to feel angry about this.”
3. Ask the group for their permission to intervene. Here is
where you will request buy-in from the group before your
intervention so that they are aware that you are being strategic in
your facilitation. Remind the group of the core values of the
organization and the meeting ground rules.
4. Break down the issue so that they are not one-dimensional.
Often the person who is emotional is seeing the issue from their
perspective but not in terms of how it affects other people or
departments. And the accused party may only be focused on
defending their position and the needs of their department. Use
your objectivity to list all of the issues.
5. Get curious and compassionate. Ask permission to ask each
person in the dynamic, “When you got (feeling), what was your
intent?” The answer to this will be an eye opener for the other
party. They probably had no idea what the fears, anxieties or
concerns really were on the other side.
6. Ask each party, “What did you hear when this emotion was
expressed?” Most likely the response will not be what the
emotional person intended. People are starting to realize that
what is conveyed in an emotional outburst is not always what was
intended. And they deduce not to interpret emotional behavior at
face value.
7. Ask each party, “What did you think was inferred and do you
actually understand now?” The group begins to see that
defensive posturing and offensive attacks don’t lead to
progressive outcomes for the group or for the individuals in the
dynamic.
8. Celebrate the group’s heightened effectiveness from
curiosity and compassion by compiling a list of what was
learned from each participant. This list could first be written on
individual post-it notes and compiled as a “Group Memory”
statement. Or called out in an oral discussion and listed on a
board. Honor your achievements!
Effectively dealing with emotions means showing the group how to
use emotions to better inform each other rather than avoiding
conversations or allowing emotions to drive the project to a brick
wall. Start now!
Sign up for Mary Lee’s Free Coaching e-newsletter.
Get Mary Lee’s free tip sheet on "Emotional Intelligence - Grow it
for Better Relationships and Leadership" at Articles and Tip
Sheets.
Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com –
Creating Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations.
Mary Lee is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional
Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical
School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership
Conference. Her personal turnaround came as a stay-at-home
mother, with four children under seven-years-old, who endured a
divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to
public assistance from where within a short time she worked to the
level of CEO. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation,
Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting.
Areas of Specialty: Life, Organization and Career Transition /
Strategic Direction / Leadership / Time Management / Divorce /
Productivity / Relationship Shift / Purpose. Her book "Starting
Over - 25 Rules for When You've Bottomed Out" is available in
bookstores and at with online book sellers. Sign up for Mary Lee’s
Free Executive Coaching e-newsletter
As the leader of a meeting, organization, committee or project
team one of your challenges, especially when dealing with a
heated issue, is to be able to channel the emotions that may arise
into a productive entity for the group. When an emotion is
expressed you must help the person who is expressing the
emotion identify the emotion and its source. Then facilitate a
discussion that leads them to express the emotion in a way that
contributes to – rather than detracts from – group goals and
effectiveness.
Now this does not mean that you become the group therapist. On
the contrary. The purpose of addressing emotions appropriately is
to help the group become more effective at working together. Not
to alter people’s personality traits. Remember this is all about
group effectiveness – not conscience or winning and losing.
Why do we get overly emotional?
Emotions are an important part of data collection on a project.
They help people inform each other. When your emotions and
thoughts work together you respond more effectively. Emotions
often erupt around feelings of fear, threat, guilt, shame, and anger.
Situations may drive higher emotions such as a difficult subject
being discussed, unrealistic expectations, the triggering of past
emotional experience, or the diverse culture of a group.
There is a physiological reason why sometimes people act out
without thinking – react instead of respond. The brain has two
mechanisms in dealing with emotions – the neocortex and the
amygdala. The neocortex helps you to reason what your eyes,
ears and other senses take in. The amygdala determines
whether or not the situation is potentially threatening. The
response is quick, exact and sloppy often referred to by the clichés
of “flying off the handle” or “engaging mouth before engaging
brain.”
Two Ways People Express Emotions
People express their emotions in two ways: directly and indirectly.
Directly: An expression of direct emotions might be, “I am angry
with you.” or “You promised one thing and then went back on your
word.”
Indirectly: People express indirect emotions in two ways: verbally
and nonverbally. An example of indirect verbal expression might
be yelling, changing tone of voice, repeating a point, verbal attacks,
changing of position when accused. An example of nonverbal
indirect expression might be dirty looks, crossed arms, negative
body language or sighing. One person’s outburst may infer
frustration while another’s may infer fear. Therefore you cannot
interpret a person’s emotions from their behavior.
When emotions are intense, it is very difficult for the group to
comprehend the root of the problem. It is the leader’s job to
facilitate a discussion that will eliminate any defensive or offensive
posturing.
How to Lead an Emotional Group to Effectiveness
First – Manage Yourself:
1. Slow yourself down. Do not intervene right away until you are
able to respond in a responsible way without emotion. Breath
slowly. Take a deep breathe and release it slowly.
2. Be curious and compassionate to your own emotions.
Recognize that you are a learner here as well. Identify how you are
feeling. You may feel afraid, nervous, scrutinized, stressed. Boot
out the judgmental voice. No judgment allowed. Name your
emotions. Ask yourself what you are angry about, or fear?
3. Ask yourself what is triggering the emotion. Ask yourself if an
emotion you are feeling has surfaced in other situations. Ask
yourself if your own behavior is appropriate for the current
situation. If you have overreacted, apologize and let the group
know that your own emotions have clouded your judgment.
4. Remind yourself of your skills. You read and study better ways
to facilitate groups with ground rules and facilitation skills. You are
prepared to handle whatever arises. Remember that.
Second – Intervene
1. Don’t shy away from the conflict. When you sense conflict in a
group it may be the gift that will bring the group together. It is a
golden moment when the stakes are high and everyone is
engaged.
2. Name the emotions and their source as they evolve.
Someone in your group may say, “The finance department just
cuts budgets without caring about what we have to deal with on the
front line.” to which you might say, “Nancy, you are pointing your
finger and sound angry. Is that right?” If she agrees you might
say,” “It’s important for the group to understand what you are angry
about. Do you feel comfortable sharing what happened that led
you to feel angry about this.”
3. Ask the group for their permission to intervene. Here is
where you will request buy-in from the group before your
intervention so that they are aware that you are being strategic in
your facilitation. Remind the group of the core values of the
organization and the meeting ground rules.
4. Break down the issue so that they are not one-dimensional.
Often the person who is emotional is seeing the issue from their
perspective but not in terms of how it affects other people or
departments. And the accused party may only be focused on
defending their position and the needs of their department. Use
your objectivity to list all of the issues.
5. Get curious and compassionate. Ask permission to ask each
person in the dynamic, “When you got (feeling), what was your
intent?” The answer to this will be an eye opener for the other
party. They probably had no idea what the fears, anxieties or
concerns really were on the other side.
6. Ask each party, “What did you hear when this emotion was
expressed?” Most likely the response will not be what the
emotional person intended. People are starting to realize that
what is conveyed in an emotional outburst is not always what was
intended. And they deduce not to interpret emotional behavior at
face value.
7. Ask each party, “What did you think was inferred and do you
actually understand now?” The group begins to see that
defensive posturing and offensive attacks don’t lead to
progressive outcomes for the group or for the individuals in the
dynamic.
8. Celebrate the group’s heightened effectiveness from
curiosity and compassion by compiling a list of what was
learned from each participant. This list could first be written on
individual post-it notes and compiled as a “Group Memory”
statement. Or called out in an oral discussion and listed on a
board. Honor your achievements!
Effectively dealing with emotions means showing the group how to
use emotions to better inform each other rather than avoiding
conversations or allowing emotions to drive the project to a brick
wall. Start now!
Sign up for Mary Lee’s Free Coaching e-newsletter.
Get Mary Lee’s free tip sheet on "Emotional Intelligence - Grow it
for Better Relationships and Leadership" at Articles and Tip
Sheets.
Mary Lee Gannon is the president of StartingOverNow.com –
Creating Productivity Solutions for People and Organizations.
Mary Lee is a graduate of The Duquesne University Professional
Coaching Program and an alumnus of the 2010 Harvard Medical
School and McLean Hospital Coaching in Medicine & Leadership
Conference. Her personal turnaround came as a stay-at-home
mother, with four children under seven-years-old, who endured a
divorce that took she and the children from the country club life to
public assistance from where within a short time she worked to the
level of CEO. Services include: Workshops, Meeting Facilitation,
Coaching, Webinars, Speaking and Management Consulting.
Areas of Specialty: Life, Organization and Career Transition /
Strategic Direction / Leadership / Time Management / Divorce /
Productivity / Relationship Shift / Purpose. Her book "Starting
Over - 25 Rules for When You've Bottomed Out" is available in
bookstores and at with online book sellers. Sign up for Mary Lee’s
Free Executive Coaching e-newsletter
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on this site are:
* Wanting to make a
change
* Starting over in
their career or
personal life
* Empty nesters
* Entrepreneurs
* Networking
* Job Seekers
* Starting all over
again
* Going through a
divorce
* Looking for career
opportunities
* Seeking FREE
career advice and
education
* Finding mentors
* Setting new life
goals
To chart your road
map to success
click here for FREE
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Mary Lee Gannon's
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